The Dichotomy of my heart...and then some!!

 A dichotomy is any splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping (and not necessarily equal) parts, meaning it is a procedure in which a whole is divided into two parts. It is a partition of a whole (or a set) into two parts (subsets) that are:

• jointly exhaustive: everything must belong to one part or the other, and
• mutually exclusive: nothing can belong simultaneously to both parts.

The two parts thus formed are complements. In logic, the partitions are opposites if there exists a proposition such that it holds over one and not the other.

In the community of philosophers and scholars, many believe that "unless a distinction can be made rigorous and precise it isn't really a distinction."

Dichotomy is also a method of execution wherein the victim is cut in two.

Hmmmm......not sure I like that last definition!!! But I can honestly tell you that truthfully...sometimes I feel like that is exactly what is happening to me these days! As much as I'm trying to learn from these "life takeaways" sometimes......
I feel like the victim...and I most definitely am not!!! 
it's just my human nature to feel sorry for myself and wallow in it!!!! and I'm very tired of it!!!
Most of you have certainly figured out what a struggle it has been for our family to have Holly and Brad move off due to circumstances beyond their control....We've been through a HUGE range of emotions and honestly...we've dealt with them to the best of our ability and then we just turned them over to our Heavenly Father, trusting that He would see us through all of this and bring glory to Himself through every single detail. So...moving right along...they've been gone for 2 months now and we are all settled into a routine and that is good....very good!!! God is using this time to strengthen their relationship as a couple as  well as their relationship with God and I just shared with Holly that if nothing else...this has truly made me desire to spend more time in God's word....be more consistent with a daily quiet time...and anxiously await His blessings that are beyond my feeble brain's comprehension! She said that she and Brad have also been experiencing the same things and that truly did bring joy to my heart!


                     Which brings me to the "dichotomy" I'm experiencing!!

                                        proverbs 3:5-6
trust in the Lord will all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight!

You see....we moved them to Louisiana under VERY stressful and non desirable circumstances....that I will NOT elaborate on! and I haven't been back since...simply due to my responsibilities to my youngest child who is still at home...my shop, and the fact that Holly has been back home several times! :)
So...for our 28th Anniversary we chose to go to New Orleans and spend time with them and stay with them in their lovely apartment that Chick Fil A provides for them...and when I say lovely...this one is truly the best one yet! So there is one positive thing I can say!!!  But....as our plane began the descent into Kenner, La...which is actually the area they live in and where the airport is located....I looked out the plane window and all I could see was that long bridge...the Causeway Bridge and all of those emotions of anger and sadness and everything else that I went through several weeks ago when we moved them began flooding back into my brain and I just sat there sort of dumbfounded that these emotions could so easily be stirred up again! Even as I sit here typing I am wiping tears away for 2 reasons! 1- those emotions that re-surfaced are so very real and obviously still at work in my heart and 2- I'm embarased and horrified and how easily they began flooding back into my heart!! The dichotomy is the fact that yes....the Lord has worked mightily in all of our lives...BUT...I do feel as if I'm two different people and that at times my heart is in two pieces and those pieces are working hard against the other one! It's a constant battle...one that I start every day off with and pray every day that I will be joyful in the midst of circumstances beyond my control! I know we all go through times like this...I really do! But...I've never experienced anything like this in my life...EVER!!! I remember everyone in the plane looking at that dad blasted bridge and me just thinking...for the love...that was the most miserable, long, hot drive of my life!!!! And yet I also thought...my daughter lives here now...she actually lives here now and I've got to accept it and move on!!!
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I did my very best to not bring up anything that remotely let them know just how much we wanted this part to be over with...to know where they will be next...to understand all of the "why's", etc....and I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself!! The only time I was worried was when Holly and Brad brought up something about our last time there and how he had had to "hold Holly up" as they left our hotel because SHE was crying and saying that it was really hard to always have to be strong for me!! WOW!!! That'll get your attention!! I've always told her how very proud of her I am and how she has stepped into this role that God has entrusted to  her  and how she is an incredible wife to Brad! He tells me all the time that I would never believe just how strong my daughter truly is...and yet I do believe it! I see it! and I DON'T hear it...which is a GREAT thing! I don't " hear " her complain! I don't know about the times she cries and wants to come home...I don't know about the times they are eating pb and j sandwiches to save money....I don't know about the hours she puts in at the store to help him because some employee decided not to show up that day! What I do hear from her are the positives...and she knows that if she were to complain to me it would only make matters worse just in the fact that I am already sad. So...to remedy that...I need to dive in head first in the promises of God! To truly believe His word and take Him at His word! I always say I do that...and then my heart breaks...even if it's a tiny break! It doesn't have to be split in two...it is simply the things a mother's heart frets over that sometimes make it so hard! That.. and the oh so obvious fact that I miss my baby girl, I want her home....I want her to teach at Briarwood again... I want her to get to see Layton in K-4 since that is where Holly taught...I want her to see Miller in his senior year of high school...I want what I want when I want it, basically!!! And yet...I truly feel a peace that only God can bring to this mother's heart that frets so....THAT is the dichotomy!!! That is the real issue here!!! I want what God wants for Holly and Brad! I want what God wants for Mitch and Britney, for Miller...for me and Jim!!! I want it first and foremost! So even when my heart falters...and I look at long, hot bridges that we have to cross to get to the other side....when I take my eyes off of the goal that is really set before us....I wish you would just shake me and say, "Carolyn!!!! Get over yourself!!! You want God's best for your child...for ALL of your children!!!" I really do wish you would do that! 

Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

As much fun as we had with them all weekend...I truly did know that I was looking forward to coming home! To getting back to my daily routine...to taking care of Miller and seeing Mitch, Britney and Layton! To being at Mulberry Heights and getting ready for our Sip and See this Thursday...to simply living life to it's fullest and making sure that all that we do is right in step with what God has intended for our family. I'm looking forward to Holly's next visit...to our time we will spend together over Labor Day at the beach....life definitely goes on and the sadness and the loneliness gets easier...that's what it's really been about I think! I'm actually afraid that I will get used to this and I don't want to!!! Gosh...I hope I'm not the only one that is this stubborn...or selfish, or crazy, or whatever you want to call it!!! But it's the truth! I don't want to accept the fact that I accept it!!! I AM THE DICHOTOMY!!!  wow!!
there..I said it!!! I'm glad I have loving, accepting friends and family, a wonderful husband that loves me no matter how crazy I am!!! and especially a Heavenly Father that already knows exactly what I'm going through and has Never, Ever, Ever let me down! He is always right there....right where He said He would be!!! I just need to meet Him there every single minute of every single day!!!
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.


Thankfully, we know that God hears our prayers and our pleas and knows the burdens of our heart...no matter how big or how small.....and His promises will never fail us ( me! }

                        Isaiah 55:11

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

What we are doing right now is praying for a miracle...praying that Holly and Brad will eventually be able to move back home. We feel it is the right thing to do as they desire that probably more than we do. So...we are committed to praying that, knowing that the above verse is true and that we can take God at His word. However, we also know that God may want them to stay gone and I promise we have a peace in our hearts about that as well. At that point I believe 100% that God will have changed the desires of all of our hearts!  We would welcome any of your prayers as well knowing that it never hurts to have as many people praying as you can!!
                                 Matthew 18:20
"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."