The question on my heart right now is What if? What if hindsight ISN'T 20/20? Do we still trust God? Do we still believe that He answered our prayers? What if we NEVER know the answers?
My sister is very well known in our family for her "What if's?" we LOVE them....if we ever hear someone begin to say "what if" we immediately all turn to each other and without words acknowledge that if Andrea were with us...this would be something funny! When we were younger it could've been...."What if I ran across the room with underwear on my head?" As we've gotten older, they haven't changed MUCH!!!! just a bit more refined!! "What if" Miller and Will hid under the bed and scared Jim half to death!!! Ok....I'm trying to give the "what ifs" I know are safe to put on here!! Anyway....you get my drift!
My point of this blog being....What if we never understand? What if we don't get the answers that we are seeking? What if we do?? in ALL things, isn't God Sovereign? Does our trust in HIm change any more or any less?
I have to look back at my own life and ponder on the things that God "let me have" and the things that He did not....The same goes for my children and what they've experienced. When I was in high school, I was not the "model" child. For reasons you should already know- I'm not going into alot of detail! However...God definitely used all of that for my good in the end...I was able to keep a VERY close watch on my own children!!! I knew their thoughts before they even had them! (much to one of them's dismay!) and now, I'm still trying to remember it all to keep up with my last one!!! He's about to be 17....a wonderful son....but Mama always knows!! (I hope he never sees this!!) Moving on...when Jim and I were about to buy our first house...he signed the papers, etc... because he knew that I wanted out of our tiny apartment with a baby and into our "dream home". However...when it came down to it, and I was about to have to close the deal while he was out of town...I promise you...the Holy Spirit spoke in volumes to my heart!!! I knew it was wrong for us to rush into that house and I knew we had to back out and I couldn't get in touch with Jim! Of course, tearfully...I called my sweet father in law and had him get in touch with Jim and we were able to back out of that contract! Do I know why? NOOOOOOO! I don't!!!!!!!! and it's ok!!!! I knew I was following God's direction and thats what ultimately gave me peace.
Moving forward ( about 20 or so years!) I look at what God has done....and hasn't done in my own children's lives. Mitch, my oldest son, married the girl that I'd always wanted him to at least ask out on a date!!!! They had a beautiful wedding, several months later found out they were expecting a precious baby girl....only to find out that she would be born with a very minor cleft lip. Ok...we worked through that, as hard as it was on them and ultimately on us because we didn't want them to have to "go through" that! When Layton was born...it was anything but minor! Why had God done this? Why hadn't he heard our prayers that it really BE very minor? She was born with a bi-lateral cleft lip AND Palette! We didn't understand! I wanted to take it all away from precious Mitch and Britney and make it better!! I couldn't! and now....Guess what? I would'nt! Now, that doesn't mean that I wish they hadn't had to endure that....it doesn't mean that I'm glad my precious grandaughter was born with that! What it DOES mean is that I've watched them trust God through it!!! It hasn't been easy...they've had their moments as we all have!!! But together, as a husband and wife...they've grown closer...they've become the best parents I've ever known! I couldn't be more proud of them! Layton is the joy of everyone's life! She is precious...she is beautiful!!! She's taught us all alot!!! She's teaching her parents about patience!!! :) and that has NOTHING to do with a cleft!! :)
I've watched Holly go through difficult times with her best friend in high school....I've watched her cry her heart out when Brad thought they should stop dating! ( I know he's going to hate this part!) but its true...I watched her die on my sofa...I died with her!!! She dealt with it, but was heartbroken! Brad was going through a difficult time with college and baseball....very understandable! but as a mom...when you know that was your daughter's soul mate...that was really hard!!! It may have been the longest 3 days or so of my life!!! Kind of like now as I watch them wait....that's all I'm doing..is watch them wait for an answer! Praise the Lord, Brad came to his sences!!!!! Praise the Lord they were married after 6 or so years of dating! Now we wait...Please Lord, HELP us wait on You!!! However...as much as I didn't want them to move to Jackson, MS....I've watched them grow immensely in their relationship as a young married couple and in their relationship with the Lord....Now, would I have wanted to take that away from them? NO!!!! Just like I wouldn't want to take away from Mitch and Britney, the lessons God has taught them....the blessings they have received from helping other families deal with cleft babies!! Thats a HUGE blessing!!!!!!
Now I'm watching and learning as I raise my last teenager! The unexpected joy of our lives, the blessing we had truthfully prayed for! at least for 7 years because that's the age difference between he and Holly... it's 10 years between Mitch and Miller....but it's fun!!! God knew when the timing would be perfect! Did I understand losing a baby in between??? Of course not!!! But I'm forever grateful that Miller was born WHEN he was born! He's the same age as 2 of my nephews! He's the same age as most of my very best friend's sons and now they are all best friends!!! How fun!!! Is watching a 17 year old boy struggle over certain issues fun? NO!!! Emphatically NO because he doesn't talk!!! We just GUESS!!! and it's like...ok...you got it, mom!! and then we move on!!! Its been a struggle and a half this past year with sports... a back injury, etc... good grief!! I'm about to get too old for this!!! And THEN!!!!! just when I think I can't possibly take anything else to disappoint Miller...to make life even the tiniest, wee bitiest hard for him ( and i hope you know i'm trying to be funny....that's just life with Miller because he's the baby!! I'm working on it!! I promise!) I get a text....from Jim....just this very moment!!! Miller killed a deer with his bow!!! WOW!!!! LIFE IS GOOD NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU, LORD!!!!!! HE WILL BE IN A GOOD MOOD!!!!! ok....that was really just for my benefit!! but you see... Miller has faced alot of minor disappointments these past few months....He hasn't had joy in his heart or on his face for a while!! For a mom...that gets old!!! So this text I just received...is a gift from God to ME!!!! Miller just thinks its for him!! ha ha!!
Ok...back to reality!!! the joy that I began to really see on Miller's face came last week!! It came after many nights of tears...of struggling with pride issues...with alot of things that I will not go into for the sake of my precious son... but you get my drift... it's hard for any of us to struggle with issues and not feel good about ourselves! It was always so hard for me to open up to my parents and talk...and be vulnerable! But the joy of watching Miller "get over himself" and realize that life isn't all about a 17 year old boy named Miller... to see joy on his face BECAUSE it was in his heart....That was God's powerful work in him....yes, Jim and I were the vessels He used to help Miller get to this point, just like we were the vessels to help our other children get to the point in their lives...many times, as they dealt with unanswered prayers, or disappointments.
But, thats where it ends...we are simply vessels in our children's lives..to teach them about God and about His Sovereignty and His love and His righteousness...will they understand when they have hurts arise? When they have unanswered prayers or doubt His love for them? The only thing I know for certain is this.... hindsight is not ALWAYS 20/20! There will be times in our lives (and have been!) that we cannot explain why God let a certain thing happen... Why did Coach Walker have to die? Especially before Holly and Brad's wedding? He's the one that wanted them to date in the first place!!! Why did Layton have to be born with a cleft at all??? Why did Mitch and Britney have to endure that with their first child? Why did Uncle John have to get cancer and leave us way too soon??? yes, I know he's touched many lives, but we miss him!!! We miss Coach Walker!!! Why does Miller have to go through feeling bad about himself? I know thats normal for a teenager...but its driving me crazy and aging me faster than anything I've ever seen!!! ha ha!! And actually, I was VERY, VERY wrong in saying the only thing I know for certain is hindsight isn't always 20/20!!
Thankfully, the only thing I TRULY know for certain is this!!! John 3 :16 " FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONLY SON! THAT WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE"
Romans 8:28 " AND WE KNOW THAT FOR THOSE WHO LOVE GOD ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD, FOR THOSE WHO ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE!"
